It's Time...
I feel I have so much going on inside of me these days and no where to release it. Sure I have an amazing relationship, great friends and a glommy dog... but Some days I need to babble, to spew thoughts and feelings. So, I decided to re- start blogging.
Around this time back in 2009 I was traveling home to WI, heartbroken and dead inside. Being rejected and thrown out like I had no value anymore. And that is just how I felt, but I have never felt like this before.
Sure I've had my heartbroken before, my trust disintegrated before, but it never felt like this. I was hollow, didn't know who I was or even felt like a living being anymore.
Being one who has depression in general I went into what I call "facade" mode. Where you just act like the you everyone knows and loves. Which never helps myself, only hides me. Which at this point was the only way I knew how to exist.
Settling in back in my parents home, my hometown and with my friends felt foreign. I didn't want to go back to my old job so instead got a totally new one. I enjoyed the job, I got to help people plan and evolve projects they were going to make. OK I worked at a fabric/craft store but still. I was meeting new friends and re-joined the a group of people who reenacted history.
Having the meeting for that group back on my old College campus was familiar and a little soothing. I still felt like I was always inside looking out, and not controlling anything. The feeling of abandonment and hollowness was consuming.
But the more I felt sad the more I pushed to look happy and fun. Which lead to more loneliness and the feeling of being undesirable.
It was been 10 years now, Those feelings still linger. They still bubble to the top, they still remind me of how damaged, broken, and destroyed I have and still am. That deep inside I'm always waiting for someone to just toss me aside, into the cold lonely streets like an old dog they never really wanted in the first place.
(not my dog)
Around this time back in 2009 I was traveling home to WI, heartbroken and dead inside. Being rejected and thrown out like I had no value anymore. And that is just how I felt, but I have never felt like this before.
Sure I've had my heartbroken before, my trust disintegrated before, but it never felt like this. I was hollow, didn't know who I was or even felt like a living being anymore.
Being one who has depression in general I went into what I call "facade" mode. Where you just act like the you everyone knows and loves. Which never helps myself, only hides me. Which at this point was the only way I knew how to exist.
Settling in back in my parents home, my hometown and with my friends felt foreign. I didn't want to go back to my old job so instead got a totally new one. I enjoyed the job, I got to help people plan and evolve projects they were going to make. OK I worked at a fabric/craft store but still. I was meeting new friends and re-joined the a group of people who reenacted history.
Having the meeting for that group back on my old College campus was familiar and a little soothing. I still felt like I was always inside looking out, and not controlling anything. The feeling of abandonment and hollowness was consuming.
But the more I felt sad the more I pushed to look happy and fun. Which lead to more loneliness and the feeling of being undesirable.
It was been 10 years now, Those feelings still linger. They still bubble to the top, they still remind me of how damaged, broken, and destroyed I have and still am. That deep inside I'm always waiting for someone to just toss me aside, into the cold lonely streets like an old dog they never really wanted in the first place.
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